brain scratch (dethbunny) wrote,
brain scratch

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I posted a comment in another journal not too long ago on the topic of mourning and death. I was relating to the person the way that I do not really feel the way I "should" any more when it comes to such things. Slight content and context fixing has been applied. In a parent comment I had referred to myself as a "callous bastard."

- - -

The thing is, [regarding those who have suffered a recent loss] I know what I should say, but those people know what they should be hearing so it's a bit redundant.

As a further note, when I said [I am] callous, I didn't just mean by silence. I can relate to someone, but I do not emote. I mean seriously...I will hear of someone whose father has died recently. I know I should feel some sorrow, some sense of relative mourning, some kind of empathic thing. The thing is, I don't. In a way, I've already mourned for everyone in my life. I cried so much when the first of my relatives died -- my great uncle who passed on long ago. I felt it. I barely knew him, but I faced down death over the course of a week or so.

The next relative, my great aunt, died a couple years later. I felt some sorrow, some mourning, but not to the extent of the first. By the time my grandma died a few years ago - I knew she had just passed on. I know that death is not important in the overall scheme of things, and I can do nothing for the person anymore anyway.

I no longer feel sorrow, because I know life is temporary. I've stared down anything and everything and it doesn't scare me anymore. This life is inconsequential, so making the best of it while it's here is all that matters. What happens after is not my concern. To worry and mourn is pointless, and so I don't do it anymore.

When my parents pass on, I'm sure I will mourn's a natural phenomenon. The thing is, you can bet I will be over it in record time.

That's what I suppose I mean when I say I'm callous. I have a laissez-faire attitude toward most everyone and everything in life, as I'm sure you know. Let people do as they will and all that. I just choose not to get bogged down in all of it. (Choose? Well, I'm not sure I ever made a conscious decision. I suppose this is all just my explaination for why my psyche works the way it does.)

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