February 18th, 2005

powerful, iwillmakemyown

The Greater Homosexual Ethics Theorem

I have a problem with lesbians. No, I'm not homophobic. Come on; I'm a guy. My inner demons say "bring 'em on!" And when I say "problem," I don't mean the kind of problem where they continually harass me to join their sex parties. Occasionally, one will stop me on the street and ask me the secrets of pleasuring a woman, but that's not frequent enough to really be a "problem," per se. It's more of a minor annoyance. And really, I feel good having the opportunity to help someone.

My problem is with the whole act of being a lesbian. Why? Because it takes not one, but two women out of the eligible pool for me. Now, I'm quite smooth with the ladies, (as you know) but I'd still like to hedge my bets wherever possible. As such, it's in my best interests to ensure that the group of available heterosexual females is as large as feasible.

What of the undesirable women? What about the untamable shrew next door, or the unattractive beauty-school dropout? You'd think that I don't care, but you'd be wrong. Some other poor guy could get stuck with them, but without the unsuitable women in the mix, the friendly neighborhood frat boy has an increasing chance of taking some hot, well-adjusted nymphomaniac away from me.

[As you can see, I take this very personally.]

Inevitably this brings up the topic of homosexual men. What do I think of them? You'll be happy to know that I'm far more tolerant in this area. I'm fully in support of a man's right to love another man, simply because it means less competition for me. In the same way that a lesbian couple removes two women from the dating pool, a gay couple takes out not just one, but two potential competitors for the limited number of women. As above, this increases the ratio in my favor, and is therefore a favorable event.

So now you know. I've even developed a simple semi-mnemonic sentence to help you remember. "Gay guys are a-okay, but lezzie girls are oh-no-way." It's rhymetastic!
  • Current Music
    M83 - Cyborg